Welcome 2011 and thank you for the successes in 2010!

Yo, Mick here - the grinning canine!

Sorry mates, I’ve been on a long walk about, one that really never had me leaving but a journey just the same.

Its been an interesting year for Red, Mum and me – I may be telling about some of it periodically but mostly I’d rather not clutter myself with it over much.

Briefly - We’ve moved but stayed in the same town, are still having issues with Red’s school and mum’s health is improving. Life happens and we adjust and grow through it… Autism is just one of the lenses that we use in our daily lives. We don’t focus on it we see with it.

This year, I’ll be sharing some of our story about incorporating and growing with autism beginning with the recent holiday season…

We celebrated Christmas with Uncle C and family – and there was a lot of family! 11 humans, 3 cats, a corn snake and 2 of us canines! Whew! You may wonder how we could spend 4 days with the extended family like that with autism… patience, love, we’ve done this before so we build on previous successes.

I believe that is one of the truths of living with autism… building on previous successes – whatever those may be. Begin to think about autism as building blocks of success. Stack them, build them, grow them, nurture the successes with attention and praise and love.

Focus on the successes and more will grow. This is true with everything – including Autism.

Autism Awareness Day! Woof!

April 2010

Yo, Mick here!
The cutie canine!
I’mmmm Baaaaack!
(I’ll talk at a later time about being out-of-public for so long - whew - its been an ordeal!)

Today is world Autism Day and I’ve got some things I’d like to say about that –

Wooooofy Bow-Wowza! Autism – Hello it is worldwide! Seems everyone either has a family member or knows at least someone with Autism…

I’m blessed with my brother with Autism. His version is fairly high functioning… what does that mean? Well, people may pick up on the cues that he’s quirky but may not recognize the Autism in him – unless they know autism – particularly the quirkiness factor that autism just doesn’t present the same in everyone with autism. Can you believe that? Autism looks different in everyone with autism – with some specific patterns though.

So what’s the what about Autism? Lucky for you now -
Searching the web today – hundreds of thousands of sites and posts are made about autism – back when my boy was first diagnosed in 1998, there were very few and Mum couldn’t even find a book about it at the public library! Now it seems like everyone is getting on the autism train.

You can too – wear blue today to honor your friends and/or family with autism – then follow the goings on around the country with autism walks etc. – Heck the entire month of April is for Autism Awareness!!!

Participate and lend a paw where you can. If it’s not a hardship, donations for autism are most welcome – here is our local Autism Center if you feel inclined:
http://www.autismspectrumcenter.com/

Thanks!

Bullies Make Me Wanna Puke!

Yo Mick here, the canine who’s looking rather ill…and all because of bullies!
(the bully saga continues…)

We’ve been so busy dealing with bullies that there’s been little time to write – well that’s not exactly true – but after the emotional beatings and physical beatings who feels up to writing?

Red got beat up at school, Mum’s being beat up with bullies who are criminal – white collar crime type criminal – and both are really huge legal issues… and well, I’ve been trying to comfort as I can.

Mum won’t let me take a bite out of any of the bullies – and trust me that requires a lot of control on my part!

So there it is, the cryptic explanations for not posting the past couple of months, that say nothing about anything at all and nothing about the stress and trauma of dealing with bullies.Oh my - do not get me started!

But really, what is there to say? Mum’s said we are to be mum about all of that for now (I did mention legal issues right?). There is much I’d like to talk about but as mum’s requested, I won’t talk about the personal side of being bullied just yet.

So here I am sharing the explanation of why the silence and a call for more research and 411 on the subject of bullies and autism - and just bullies.

Some bullies are obvious (well maybe not entirely to everyone) and then there are bullies who are not so obvious – the type who pretend to befriend and “help” but are really only serving themselves. There are bullies in schools, the workplace, the park, community, the government; even places of worship have bullies.

Bullies are everywhere!

There have been several news articles about bullies and autism… imagine that! In particular, the Boston globe shared the results of a MAC (Massachusetts Advocates for Children) report on bullying (to download your own copy: http://www.massadvocates.org/home )

Although there were nearly 90% of parents who answered that their child with autism was bullied, children are not a number – this report shares some of the stories…

Stories of bullying, they make me droopy eared and break mum’s heart, but we’d like to hear more and with permission possibly share them. So if you feel so inclined, please, we’d like to know your bully story – how it began, was there a “trigger”, was there a resolution, a particular helpful strategy???

If there are some helpful sites or books we’re all ears, even if they are a bit droopy at the moment.

here's what I know for sure about bullying - Bullying must be stopped!

So please help, share your story, share what you know about bullies, research etc. we want to know!

Thanks in advance, and stay tuned… I am sure there will be more information about autism and bullies, and our own continuing bully saga ...

Autism Crush part 2

Autism Crush continued:

Yo, Mick here, the canine down under - the picnic table!

LMTO (laughing my tail off!) Gosh but I can crack myself up!

Any ways - let me continue...

So there they were at the table with her family. Red was happy as I’ve ever seen him, eating pizza, trying to remember his manners, conversing with her family (yes, you read that correctly, conversing!).

The boy was pure joy!

Sadly though -

It was his last meal with her.

There she was scrunched as close to her mum and as far away from Red as she could possibly get on the bench. Everything about her body language said she was not comfortable – but Red was oblivious.

The eye of autism can be pretty blind. Those darn social cues!

I know she tried to be gentle but Red was just too into her and she wasn’t even into him. She is just a kind person. College sophomore ladies just don’t hang with high school sophomore boys.

Crushed is just too simplistic a word to describe Red’s feelings; feelings mixed in with the autism factors too. Which pretty much means – amped up to mega.

Red was bewildered and hurt.

Sometimes a crush may look like an obsession and to be honest, Red was pretty much fixated on her. I’m sure she was uncomfortable with Red’s attentions. Poor buddy.

Mum did a pretty good job about talking him through these new emotions and getting him McDonald French fries (Red does not like chocolate or ice cream) but some things a mum just can’t share in.

I’m glad that I’d gone through a similar thing recently. I survived my own first crush. Well, to be honest, it was puppy love...

Red was able to make sense out of his feelings by talking about mine.

He compared the two, rationalized that I’d recovered and was happily “just friends” with several girls and decided he could react the same. That’s not to say that Red is totally over her – just that he’s got a good grip on his emotions and what to do about them.

I know – there are some folks who’ll say that Red is delusional – but check this out. He talks to me, he processes through issues as complex as a crushed crush using information he’s learned from friends, family, movies, books etc. and by relying on my experiences.

My experiences are whatever Red needs for them to be. He creates my experiences by projecting information he has gathered from any number of sources.

I often see movies before Red - to ensure they are not too scary.

Sometimes I go places before Red so that he can ask me about them.

I've helped him accept having to get shots. They can hurt as bad as a bee sting - but the pain sure goes away much faster!

I’ve gone through the various stages of puberty ahead of Red.

You see, Red uses my experiences to help him process things. It works for us. I’m not sure it’d work for other kids with autism or not.

I say, nothing ventured is wasted opportunity.

Deep down Red knows – I’m a canine.

He’s got a firm grasp on that as a reality, yet he’s able to power me up to a level that is capable of helping him through whatever he needs help with.

How brilliant is that?

I’m just grateful I can ALWAYS be there for my boy.

Red has just survived his first crush and although he’s crushed – he’s still my boy and I love him.

Peace out!

Autism Crush – Part 1

Autism Crush – Part 1

Yo! Mick here (pictured at the top of this blog with my boy). I'm a very handsome red-headed Queensland Heeler - a Canine if you will, and I'm here to tell you adventures about raising my brother, Red. Red lives with autism...

Red was in band camp again for the 2 weeks before school started. Red loves it! Last year he met a former student who assisted the freshman with getting their marching feet. Although he didn’t know it, Red developed a crush on her.

And I must say, she is a really great person – inside and out. She’s also a great musician and marcher and...

Well, I can totally understand why Red likes her.

Sadly, she eventually had to go off to college last year but because she has a brother still in school, she made trips back as frequently as possible. Red would just glow in happiness whenever she came around.

When there was a band event, Red would perk up a bit, pay extra attention to dressing up and the details of getting his hair just right on the off chance the object of his attention would make an appearance. He really tried hard to impress her. Even Red’s college choices seemed based upon being near her. He, of course, wanted to attend the same college!

Mum and his teachers at school would sometimes use Red’s interest as a carrot saying things like, “you know, to get into college you have to do your homework”, or whatever.

This graduated band member has been a great motivator. Kids with autism tend to need great motivators and teachers and mums know how to get creative in using them.

All during band camp this summer Red went in the hopes of seeing her. And when she came, Red lit up like a pup with a mouth full of double cheeseburger with bacon.

On the very last day of camp the band kids perform what they have learned for their parents. This is followed by an invitation for the family members to join the students on the field and to keep up with them as they march (without the instruments for safety reasons).

Let me tell you, it’s a lot harder than it looks!!!

Red was so busy keeping his eyes on the object of his crush he just about pulled Mum into the tubas.

The moment the music ended he was off to hook up with her and sit at the same table. He even ate pizza to impress her and Red does not eat pizza typically (except at his dad’s but that’s a different story)

(To be continued in The Crush Part 2)

Back-to-School with Autism - Doggy Style

Yo, Mick here – the canine with the new hat, pointy ears and wet nose.

It’s been an insannnne summer at our home – and classes have resumed. (Bummer that)

The best part of summer is getting my boy back! I think Red missed me as much as I missed him

Red’s been taking me for walks, tossing the ball for me, and letting me sleep on his pillow. I do like sleeping on the pillow.

Summer went by very fast! Next thing I knew we’d transitioned to school already! But we’ve about got the hang of it…

The Transition from summer to fall can be huge for kids on the spectrum and are often causes for concern (can you say anxiety?) for the parents of kids with autism – often even more anxiety for the parents than the child.

There are probably hundreds of things to worry about in the transition back to school.

Try this - don't worry!
Find your inner-canine.

I mean think about it for a moment.

Did the things you actually worried about happen?
Sure, some things did while others did not – right?
But what exactly did worrying about them do to help the situation?

Believe me, I totally get that double transitions such as a new school, or district, or promotion from elementary to junior high, or from junior high to high school are huge.

I hear you – canine ears are sharp.

All I’m really saying is that worrying won’t help and takes way too much energy. Conserve your efforts to what works. Lock in those transitions that help.

For example, Red likes to get ready for going back to school by shopping for clothes, shoes, new backpack and supplies. These things mean that school is about to begin for Red. He’s a part of the transition process and gets to make some important choices (mum does guide him sometimes with “either – or” options). It’s a back-to-school ritual.

Rituals offer continuity and comfort.

It’s not too early to start using them and its not too late either.

Shop for school supplies (online if its too much to go out into the crowds) together.

Shopping is a natural opportunity to talk about the upcoming transition.

LOL – this may appear to be rather one-sided conversations but that’s ok too. It is what it is. The point is to keep the channels of communication open – you have no idea what is actually seeping through. Likely, a lot more than appears to be!

In these conversations, focus on what works, the students’ strengths, and resilience, and past transition successes (even seemingly insignificant transitions
Such as getting out of bed in the morning are places to build new successes on).

Remember there is a lot of comfort in the rituals of being in school versus the often, unpredictable schedules and social events of summer. Focus on the positives.

Play up the positives, build upon the positives, talk about the positives and act on the positives and you’ll find you wont have a lot of time to worry.

You’ll have found your inner-canine.

There will likely be a need for adjustments in the transition to back-to-school, but by establishing a habit of focusing on the positives, positive solutions will likely happen.

Peace out – peace in. Peace in Transition.

My boy is BACK!

Just follow the tail…

Yo, Mick here the joyful canine with the happy tail!

I’d write more but at the moment I’m overcome with happiness and don’t want to do anything but Love my boy!

Which in a nutshell is all anyone should do – autism or no autism – just wag your tail and love the child! Slobbery slurps are good too!

Wiggle-waggle I’m a big happy giggle!

Gloomy Mick Whines Missing Autism Boy Blues

Yo – Mick here.

The canine pup with the droopy whiskers.

I’m about as glum as a guy can be – my boy has been gone for so long and I miss him horribly.

It's important for him to spend time with his dad and I totally get that.

Still, it hurts to miss him so.

Mum tries to cheer me up with walks to the school field where she throws the tennis ball for me. For a short time, I entertain her by fetching the ball – humans are easily distracted sometimes.



She takes me to the beach to distract me - and it almost works. She's taken me to several other places and though there are some kids and such, my Red isn't among them - not even at the beach.


The worse is at night when I don’t have my boy to sleep with.

I worry about him a lot because I know kids with autism can have a lot of anxiety.

Mum says that Red is doing well and like me, he can find some simple pleasures apart. Still, it would sure be nice to not have to be away from him.

One day, perhaps, autism and other challenges will be understood and then the recognition of the many different type of therapy dogs will be embraced better… still, who’s to say who’s needs are greater? Is the need for a canine companion greater or the person with severe allergies?

I’d be biased, so I will not judge. In the mean time, I will keep my tail up for Mum’s sake.

And in just 10 days, my boy will be home!

Wiggy waggy and thump thump of my tail!

Summer with Autism

Yo, Mick here – the canine doing the happy rub-my-back dance!

Summer vacation started today!

Yipee!

Summer means a lot to Red and me - both good and not-so-good.

We mostly get to share some wonderful times but for part of the summer we’re not together because Red flies to see his dad and the airlines have not yet accepted my family member status. I have to stay behind with mum; she needs me too.

Mostly summer vacation is wonderful but for a boy like Red with autism (or a girl too) it can mean some challenges.

Different routines and unpredictability can wreck havoc for someone on the autism spectrum resulting in less fun for the whole family and their friends.

Mums and Dads; take care of your little ones and continue to support them in the manner you do so well.

Give lots of heads up for transitions (or not – sometimes its best to give short ones… you know your child best), practice patience during the transition, know that different challenges will likely arise, keep supports such as medications etc. in place and did I mention practice patience yet?

Yup, plenty of patience is required.

Give some serious thoughts into what’s expected of your child and other family demands during the summer. Visitors, vacations, and just the most mundane activities can upset a working routine.

Summers can be very stressful.

Make adjustments and add supports and strategize ahead with contingencies.

New issues are also likely to arise as your child matures and changes.

Such challenges as what to do when someone near and dear can’t tolerate the smells at the pool this year and last was just fine are not out of possibilities.

You may want to continue some supports that the schools use such as a calendar and schedule to help you all to add structure and some semblance of predictability to summer vacation.

Remember, that undesired behavior is likely a reaction to not being able to control one’s environment (feels like not being able to scratch that itchy spot on your back – or even worse!).


While it may not be proper for a child with autism to “control” their environment, most kids (even neuro-typical) are less anxious when they recognize there is structure and a plan they can rely on.

When scheduling activities it is important to also include some down time to regroup, recharge and just be! This is a good practice for everyone, not just those on the autism spectrum.

Enjoy your summer - that's what its for and remember to practice what works for you and yours to rock out in total summer bliss.

Rituals, Something to Howl About

Yo, Mick here, the happy howler with the wet nose.

We’ve been passing the days one at a time with our daily ritual a bit buggered. Mum’s Honda Odyssey Transmission died up at Grandma’s in Pacific Grove the day before Easter.

Our daily rituals are a wreck.

Did you know that there is a flaw with Honda Odyssey Transmissions that they are trying to cover up? Seriously! Mum has been onto all types of websites researching the hundreds and probably thousands of complaints.

She put a new transmission in when the van had less than 100,000 and now with under 200,000 she's going to have to put another in - and many others have had to do the same!

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I want to discus rituals. The daily rituals that make the day run smooth (or not) that people with autism truly depend on.

Red and I get up after Mum’s had her cup of coffee.

She used to get up between 4:30 and 5:30 to do homework but that’s a thing of the past (at least until things get sorted out with University of Phoenix and the problems they are causing her – she may have to take yet another class and pay an additional $1950 out of pocket because they lied!).

Oops, there I digress again. Sorry.

Rituals help keep the day flowing for us.

Even with the schedule mucked because our lack of wheels has caused us to adjust to walking more, scootering and hitching rides from friends, we depend on our rituals to motivate.

As I was saying, Mum gets her coffee, reads and answers a few emails and writes some on her projects and then at 6:30 she wakes us.

No matter how many times she has done this, I act like it’s the first time and bark a bit at her. Hey, I’m not a morning mutt. What can I say? I’m a grumpy grrrrr.

Red though, he seems to like mornings, which is really pretty lucky for mum. He grabs his blanket, scoops Furball the cat up and we pile up on Mum’s lap in the living room.

Of course I get the top! Hound of the heap!

We rock for a few minutes and the day begins to feel like it has all sorts of possibilities for happiness.

Red almost falls back asleep, Furball purrs which is really weird because I’m usually sitting on top of him, and Mum smiles because she likes the snuggle peacefulness.

And then we howl!

Mum starts it off. She does this weird sound like a bird that gets me all worked up and I tilt back my head and howl and then Mum howls and Red says, “do it again”,

and we do.

It’s impossible to be upset when getting in a howl.

Transitioning to the next segment of the morning routine just seems so easy.

Howling sets the stage for a Grrrrreat Day!

Wait a minute; didn’t Tony, the Frosted Flakes tiger say that?

Oh well, he can have a grrrreat day; we have a day to howl about!

Here’s to howllllin a grrreat day too!

Review Your Rules

Yo! Mick here, the one with pointy ears and canine grin!

Thank you well wishers!

I am feeling better and Red’s (aham) out of the doghouse (sorry – I know that was a cheap shot but hey – pull my paw if you don’t like it).

Red earned back half of his two-week sentence by being a good sport and behaving himself while grounded. Go figure – he choose to have the weekends for his reprieve and being grounded on school days!

Red is one smart kid!

I’m sure not going to complain about it because I had a lot of time with him. Without the distractions of TV or games, Red took me on several walks a day.

While I’m not advocating that he get into trouble again – I sure had a good week and then some! Many of those good habits have stuck with him.

I believe habits, daily rituals and those autism rules can be a really good thing or a really bad thing.

I was woofing it up with another acquaintance with autism this week who was not having such a good time. It seems some of his “rules” were not serving his greater good and were actually keeping him from making and keeping friends.


Kids with autism often have a lot of rules.

I’ve cautioned Red before (and will probably have to many more times) about rules – Rules have got to serve you not the other way around.

This poor kid had himself backed into a very lonely corner because one of his rules is, “if someone is mean to me I have to be mean to them back”.

Well, you can just imagine what THAT rule does for his social life!

Sadly, it was his self-esteem and self-loathing that had him so far down in the dumps. Any lower and his ears would drag more than Betty Basset’s.

He’s not a cruel person in his heart - its just his autism rules that drive his choices in behavior that make him appear mean or just plain too scary to hang with.

He and I spoke for quite some time about autism and my number one rule but I’m not sure I could help him.

He’s still rather attached to that rule even knowing that it ultimately doesn’t serve him. Maybe he just needs time to process the possibilities my number one rule has.

My number one rule is quite simple – Here’s my number one, most important rule: I only have rules that serve me and help me grow as a loving soul.

OK – Mum says its bedtime – woof out mates!

Feeling long in the tail

Yo, Mick here.

Sorry, I've got an itch where the sun don't shine - just beside my tail.

Speaking of tails, I’ve had a bit of tail draggin’ times of late. Awhile back I got some sort of skin malady that now has me on multiple meds and I have to get a bath every-other day. I know what Red goes through with having to take meds and showers daily.

Its no woofin’ fun!

Mum or Red has to toss the pills down the back of my throat and massage my neck to get me to swallow them.

I can be rather sneaky though. Sometimes I can even cough them back up when they’re not watching but they always catch me and I get into trouble.

My boy Red did something bad a week ago. He lied about taking his meds to Mum so now he’s grounded for 2 whole weeks.

That really sucks.

If he’s not having fun, neither am I.

Last Thursday, Red said it best. He told Mum our home was like a cemetery. Yup. That’s about the truth of it. No TV, no computer, no wii, no nothing.

Red not only lied about taking his pills, when Mum went to deliver them to his school, he pitched a major fit. It was only going to be for a week but then he got really lippy to Mum so she grounded him for 2 weeks!

On the way back to class he even shoved some poor chump that made the mistake of asking him what was wrong.

Lucky for Red Mum didn’t see him shove the other kid or he’d have gotten a month of being grounded!

Well, Red’s been extra good and has even done extra chores so Mum is letting him earn back some of his time. With luck he’ll be all finished in a couple of days.

You know, taking pills every day really sucks but then again, I am starting to feel a whole lot better.

Red, I’ve noticed behaves a lot better when he’s on his meds too. Like me, he’s less prickly. I doubt he’d have shoved that boy if his meds had been in his system.

Even with me, Red’s a lot calmer and more gentle when he’s had his meds.

I get that Red just wants to be a regular kid.

He thinks that having to take medication makes him different when just the opposite is true. His behavior is quite off the regular charts when he doesn’t take his meds.

Taking meds daily makes Red feel like he’s not like the other kids.

I keep trying to explain that all kids have some sort of challenge and there isn’t a normal one in the bunch. Humans are a unique breed unto themselves, that’s for certain.

It's like they're all mutts!

Red is just socially aware enough to know he’s not like the others and young enough that it matters to him.

Maybe that's one of the down sides to his autism improving?

I’ll be glad when we both get over the tail droop days. I'm no good at the droop. Red on the other hand is handling himself rather well - he's like a kid shoveling poop looking for a pony. He knows if he's super good, Mum will lift his sentence.

Mine too is improving.

Tail Thum.

A Master's in Education: What Mum Learned

Yo, Mick here. The dapper guy with pointy ears giving Mum dictation.

One of Mum’s friends asked her, “What is the most valuable thing you learned in your studies, that helps you as an autie-mom?” (Thanks Mama Mara)

So I’m handing the page over to Mum.

Hey, Mum Irene here.

I was working on a Master’s in Special Education degree mostly while my son Red was in middle school. As part of the degree requirement, I secured a job in special education. Without a credential, the best I could do was a paraeducator job. Fortune stepped in and I received a position at the same middle school my son attended.

To answer the question:

Never under-estimate the benefits of professional courtesy and proximity. These are huge benefits.

Other things I learned are; Red is a lot more capable than I’d assumed, my instincts are nearly always right on, it is important to listen to the educational professionals with an open mind and heart and to still trust your instincts.

Also if you feel the need or perceive something’s not “right” take some time to consider, ponder, meditate and/or pray – you don’t have to sign an IEP at the meeting, you can return to the table or sign later. Bring a friend to an IEP with you, if you bring a professional also bring a friend. (I spouse can also be a friend but this has not been my experience).

There is a fine line between advocate and nuisance. Perceptions do matter, professionals do talk, and being perceived as an antagonist is not a benefit to your son or daughter.

Connect with other families with exceptional children.

Take time to care for yourself. The flight instructions hold; put on your mask first so you’ll be able to assist your family and others and there are always others.

No matter how busy your day, take time to hold your sons or daughters, even if they are as tall as you and even if they do not have autism, maybe even especially then. At the least, make sure to connect in meaningful ways daily. This is more for you than for them although everyone benefits.

There is energy to be found when reflecting on past successes that powers and inspires solutions to current challenges. Take the time to reflect - (LOL yes journal!)

I’ll expound on these in my own blog,

Thanks so much for the question; it was more meaningful and insightful for reflection than the one I received in my final class.

Your questions are most welcome!

Mick, Thanks for sharing your blog space.

Yo. Mum, You’re welcome!
Woof!

Mick Knows Autism - just ask!

Yo Mick here, the canine with style!

I’m getting all dressed up to go p-a-r-t-y!!!

Mum just finished her Master’s in Special Education and we are headed out to celebrate! She’s worked her butt off, especially in the past month to complete the degree. She was up before dawn, and in bed long after Red’s and my bedtime.

I never had a chance to get online.

But I’m back!

And I know how to have fun with autism!

So hang tight, gather up your questions and fire um off this way. I’m going to tell you ever so much more about the adventures of Red, Me (Mick) and Autism and answering questions. If you have some suggestions and stories or input, by all means, pass it along – I’d love to hear from you!

My mission besides being Red’s best companion is to help others find their way and discovering the potential fun in autism. Autism does present challenges, but what doesn't? Fun with Autism is a mind-set that’s truly attainable.

Peace out, friends of autism,
Mick

Autism Style and What is Normal

Yo! Mick here, the cutie with the canine grin with yellow coat and a hat.

One of the things I’ve had to adjust to about autism is that what I experience as “normal” might not be for the majority of others.

For example, I had no idea that most dogs are not put into hats and other clothing. Red’s been dressing me up since I can remember. I mean look around; as you shop you’ll notice that there are more and more stores catering to well-dressed canines.

Interesting isn’t it?

I wonder if this has anything to do with the increase in autism diagnosis over the past decade or so? Is everyone who dresses his or her dog on the autism spectrum?

Doubtful.

Here’s the thing, Red’s not different to me.

He’s not broken; he’s my best friend and brother. Red is perfect to me. He loves me and that is our “normal” and good enough for me.

My perspective sometimes makes it difficult to understand what all the fuss over autism is about.

If we could all practice better tolerance of diversity and taking the perspective of others I don’t know if we’d really need to term autism.

Sure, Mum’s explained that many with autism are not like Red, or have the same abilities.

I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. Autism is just another way to experience the world, and everyone experiences the world in his or her own perspective even when trying to take another’s perspective.

Got it?

Try this; dress your dog, and go for a walk.

Go on. Put your favorite canine in clothes. Make sure to include a hat. Sometimes a hat is a nuisance but I think hats really make the outfit. Some people even like to have a matching outfit. I’m waggy with that.

Now get out there and walk.

You wont have a problem unless someone gets in your face declaring that dressing dogs isn’t normal. Yet clearly for a great many, dressing up their pup is very normal; canine couture is rabid.

See what I mean?

Normal is a matter of perspective.

Autism is normal for me, but I’m trying to understand how it might not be for others. Really, I do try to understand autism from a normal perspective.

I think what confuses me the most is this:

Who decides what normal is?

Our Pre-Christmas Stress with Autism

Pre-Christmas Stress followed with Family Fun

Yo! Mick here! Have slurp will share!

My advice at Christmas and pretty much all the time is; spare the stress and pass the slurp.

I spoke last about avoiding family and other events that don’t josh with the autism in the family but I forget that some family just can’t be put on ignore – such as the co-creator, sometimes called, the ex. In our case, that would be Red’s dad.

Let me back track a bit … I’ll need to explain the basics of the family dynamics, the surface problem and then the real crux of the problem – the deep wounds and then the getting to Christmas Family Fun – Its one heck of a journey.

Some family history.

My family, like 80% of families with autism, was divorced before I joined them.

They are scattered geographically from one end of the country to the other and in-between.

Mum, Red and I live in California, and most of Mum’s family lives here too except a sister who lives in Colorado with her hubby and kids.

Red’s dad lives in Georgia and Kasmira, his sister lives at college in Florida. Red’s other grandparents live in Illinois, he has uncles and cousins in Iowa, Illinois and a cousin in Utah and well, Red's family is all over!

Mum living on one end of the country and Red’s dad on the other mostly works for them, at least it does for Mum.

Mum needs her family, friends and ocean - it is a part of her soul and to be away from them for extended times is really hard on her – especially when life is especially challenging her.

The Surface Stress – or Our Pre-Christmas Stress
You can’t always avoid stress and especially certain family members like the ex you share children with – or their parents.

Prior to Thanksgiving, at the beginning of November. Red’s grandmum on his dad’s side (I don't claim any of Red's paternal family as mine, not even his dad) called up and started trying to get Red to go to their home for Christmas.

I sure didn’t need my exceptional hearing to listen in; the woman has a schoolyard voice.

Anyway, she was pretty persistent and even told Red about all the different cousins and uncles who would be there, the fun things they had planned and that she wouldn't make him eat stuff he doesn't like.

Wow, she spread it on thick!

Red didn’t go for it though.

He was at his dad’s home last year so he logically figured he'd be with Mum and me this year and his sister would fly here for Christmas.

Apparently the grandmum also called Kasmira with the same plea because Red's sister opted to go from college in Florida to their dad’s in Georgia and then up to their grandparents’ home in Illinois for Christmas.

Mum was totally bummed but being so busy with college and work and not wanting to stress Kasmira who was shedding a few tears trying to please everyone, she chose to not fight it and even decided to encourage Red to go to the grandparents.

Kids should be together at Christmas, Mum believes.

Mum honestly did try to make it happen that way.

First she told Red she wasn't sure where he'd be this year for Christmas and that he may be going to see his grandparents in Illinois.

She then emailed Red’s dad telling him she’d “back him” if he’d make the arrangements for Red to fly and to tell him. She also mentioned in her email that his mum was a bit persistent but no more so than her own mom, Baba, could be.

Mum understood that his parents are getting older and there are some health concerns etc. - she got it.

Well, a couple of weeks go by with Red acting out at school and home; not at all happy about the situation and then Mum gets a call from Mike, (Red’s dad).

Here’s Mum’s version of the conversation:

Mum: I’m shopping, Red’s at home if you want to call him there.

Red’s Dad: I know, I just spoke with him.

Mum: Well, OK. What did you tell him? what are the travel dates?

Red’s Dad: I told him he didn’t have to come out for Christmas but that I hoped he’d make the right decision.

Mum: You said what?

Red’s Dad: Sorry it took me so long to get back with you, but what you said about my mom really upset me…

And then he proceeded to blast Mum for saying his mom had tried to guilt the kids.

So Mum told him she was hanging up because he was out of control and yelling. He called back, so she let it go to voice mail and then deleted it without even listening to the message.

The conversation and his blasting her upset Mum but what riled her most was what he’d said to Red, “You don’t have to come but I hope you make the right decision”.

Red is 15!

He doesn’t like change, doesn’t want to go anywhere because it disrupts his routines and he can't take me - and his dad had just told him he didn’t have to!

Here's what happened on my end:

You should have seed Red when he got off the phone with his dad.

Red was ecstatic! Like Christmas morning had arrived early for him!

He didn’t have to go to Georgia or Illinois or leave me behind, what’s not to like about that?

He was one joyful kid! I wish you could have seen his expression when he heard he didn’t have to go away for Christmas!

He gave me a big ol’ hug and I slurped his face and brought him my ball to share how glad I was and bow-wowzie! You should have seen how happy we were!

No worries here – none for Red or me anyway…

All sorts of old hurts came to the surface for Mum - again and it was nothing to do with Red's dad blasting her! That was more like a scab being ripped off to a much deeper hurt that seemed to keep getting deeper once removed.

The implications! (the wound suddenly looks more serious)

Here's what Mum explained.

What does “I hope you make the right decision” mean to a 15 year - old especially one with autism?

Red probably never even heard that part! He probably didn’t hear anything beyond, “You don’t have to come to here” because those were the words he was looking for.

Mum feels Red's dad should have known that! And would have IF he understood autism like a man who has a son on the spectrum should.

Red’s dad expected Red to “decide” to have Christmas with him and his family all on his own.

Anyone with any type of understanding about kids knows that’s asking too much.

Throw in the autism factor and it was totally unfair of Red’s dad to expect Red to choose something that requires him to leave me and Mum and normal routines for the unknown, his noisy cousins, a grandmother who makes him eat “weird things” like casseroles, and all the different rules his dad has for him.

That’s the deeper part of the wound –

Mom's really hurt because Red's dad has never tried to understand Red and his version of autism.

Mum claims that Red’s dad never even researched autism online in spite of spending hundreds of hours on the computer playing games and messing around and her sending links, books and reports about autism.

This is according to Mum. And I believe her based on what I’ve seen and heard!

Take the whole Christmas fiasco - Red's dad doesn't get him or autism if he expected Red to "decide"; he should have spelled out exactly what would be happening on Christmas.

Mum says that like so many other divorces within the autism community Red’s dad didn’t want to understand autism – that he just couldn’t face it for any number of reasons.

Mum also says that Red's dad has even blamed her for Red’s behaviors – as in he feels she raised Red into a boy with autism behaviors because she "coddles" him and gives in to him too much.

That’s not unusual either. I remembered that part form a TV show. You should have seen Mum crying when Jenny McCarthy said the same thing on Oprah. I slurped her hand through the whole show.

Just think about it for a moment – 80% of families with autism go through divorce!

Mum and Red’s dad are caught up in a vicious cycle.

Red's dad blames Mum for moving Red so far away claiming there's no way he can get to know Red by only getting to see him so briefly periodically.

Mum said she had to return home to California, that she needed the support of family and friends and beach to heal herself from years of neglect and unhappiness in order to raise Red.

Then she throws it back at him stating that he never tried before the divorce to understand Red or autism anyway.

Red’s dad keeps blaming Mum for moving away and she keeps telling him he didn’t help with understanding autism, learning to work together to help Red and that he’s in denial about Red’s autism - still.

She says she couldn't raise Red on her own and had to go back to California.

Blah, blah, blah. It's enough to make a tail and ears droopy.

When they get like that, they are just not nice.

It’s a vicious cycle and doesn’t solve anything, help the one with autism or accomplish anything productive. They just tear each other down and waste energy that could be better spent.

Sigh - the whole thing between them is a mess because they can't agree on autism which is only one of several reasons why they are divorced.

Opposite sides of the country works best for them - and us.

Lets get back to Pre-Christmas and Christmas… (can't be droopy forever ya know!)

Mum didn’t tell Red he didn’t have to go to his Dad’s.

She waited and gave Red’s dad until the end of Thanksgiving weekend (close to 2 weeks) to tell Red that he would be going to his grandparents’ home for Christmas.

When Red's dad didn’t call or write, Mum asked her family while they were all at our Uncle's home in Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving, whose home we were celebrating Christmas at this year?

Everyone voted for our home because it’s in the middle!

Red was happy, Mum was even more busy and very pleased too!

She loves having the family over and there is no better antidote to old hurts than staying busy.

Mum was finishing up her first leg of student teaching, preparing for the second and then there was the whole home clean up thing!

There was a lot to do to prepare for Christmas!

Mum tends to take on too much, forgetting her own ADHD and needs. She also hates to vacuum!

(Read – the housecleaning had been neglected for awhile and there was A LOT to clean and do to prepare for Christmas here)

Thank goodness, everyone in Mum's family gets the autism thing. We do not have to stress that!

We had a wonderful Christmas here with family – which is even better than being busy for helping Mum feel better.

I hope to share some more about our Christmas vacation soon - we've really had a slurpy wagwagerful vacation but...

Duty calls!
I gotta take Red for a scooter ride on his new Fusion!
Woof -woof!

Autism Holiday get-together - A matter of choices

The holiday get-together with autism is a matter of choices

Yo! Yo! Yo! Mick the cutie canine in the elf scarf.

It’s the holiday season and you have some celebration options. I went over some in the previous post and one is to choose to not go to an event or get-together. A perfectly valid option…

Sure, by not planning on going to that annual family meal you may upset your sister who is always trying to create a perfection by encouraging her kids to play nicely with your son with autism.

She really tries and in her heart she prays daily for you and your family.

But guess what, your son probably finds more happiness lining up their Hot Wheel cars or markers quietly in a closet and really is overly anxious when all three of the kids try to engage him in an activity.

Add in a few supportive adults and wowzie!

She just doesn’t “get it”. “it” being life with autism.

If you need to, tell your family that you know they love and care for you and you feel the same but sorry, "No can do". Offer an alternative if you feel so inspired but do not feel like it has to be during the holidays.

But hey, I understand. My family does a lot with family during the holidays and well, there are a lot of expectations from all over (and a lot of support and understanding). If you feel the need and really want to get together at your sister's or wherever with family or friends have a few exit strategies.

A Few?

Yes!

You gotta leave sometime, right? Have some plans.

When’s the best time to leave?

Best case, winner-winner chicken dinner, leave on a happy note!

Maybe this is the year you come in say hello to everyone, give a reward to the youngster with autism for being so well behaved and a reward to the other kids for being so wonderful and you don't even take your coats off.

You just get right back into the car. (Mum explains this is like part of an ABA plan where you start small and build on success with the plan to eventually have a full day or weekend.)

Maybe your expectations are a bit beyond that. OK. When do you plan on leaving?

Mum says to really put some thought into the exit plans. You may be disappointed, you may disappoint others, but over-staying will likely disappoint everyone.

Prior to the get-together, try to have at least one person who can have your back if you need to leave unexpectedly. This person can offer apologies and smooth the way as you leave or after you leave if they stay behind.

Letting the host or hostess know ahead that you will stay as long as you can but that you may need to leave early is also an appropriate thing to do.

Use your own judgment, but you don’t need to “blame autism”, you may just want to say, “Sorry, time for us to go”. Period. Friends and family know and love you, and anyone else, well, their loss. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Think about your child; then make a plan. Maybe you take it step-by-step; you want to stay as log as possible (for whom?).

You make it this far and all is going well (as in a 10 on a scale of 1-10 perfect) Good, as soon as things hit a 9 consider your exit plan because you want to be able to leave on a happy note if at all possible.

Why leave on a happy note?

Mum says this is so you can reinforce the good without drawing attention to what you don't want to – for the Good of everyone.

Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather hear, “Gee, do you have to leave, JR was is behaving so well?”

Choose success!

And what about the drive home?

Mum really praises Red for all the positive things she can.

So she’ll be saying things like, “I really like the way you chewed with your mouth closed”, or, “I really like the way you shared your new ball”, or “I know you wanted to hit your cousin when she took your car but you didn't - whoohoo!", or “Way to go! You left the table to have some quiet time while everyone else was finishing their desert – good strategy!”

(and that really is a good idea – kids with autism need some quiet time to decompress or regroup for the next set of demands, leaving the table early tends to work well for Red).

If things have gone from a 10 to a 1 (and you know from experience they can – just that quick) there may be no way to leave on a happy note.

You'll need a strategy for leaving on an unhappy note too.

I know, that flies in the face of our general family trait of optimism but Mum says she’d rather have a plan and not need it than need it and not have it.

Back-up plans are common sense not the primary focus. Focus on the desired outcome and you wont need your backup plan (probably).

So, if you do have to leave unexpectedly –

Well, try to still focus on the good parts and if you can’t find a good thing about the whole sorry time (sniff) then put on your happy face and look for something else where you and the family can enjoy the love of one another.

Maybe look at the lights on the way home, stop for some hot cocoa or make some when you get home. Drive around if it helps you and everyone to relax and maybe don't go home until you've found a happy place or something positive to talk about.

If you look for it peace and joy can be found and there is nothing better than a later giggle over the shocked faces of others – but it may take some time before you’re ready to laugh.

There is no point in berating a child for bad behavior outside of there control but another time, perhaps you can practice better choices.

Perhaps the first better choice can be yours – whenever possible, set your child up for success.

Success builds success.

Goodness knows, Mum’s apologized to Red for taking him somewhere he wasn’t able to cope or for as long as she’d hoped. She tends to beat herself up for these mistakes but she shouldn’t she’s human – not canine

Live, Learn, Laugh and Love – That’s the canine way!

Yo! Yo! Yo! And a Happy Holiday Season to all!

Happy Holidays

Yo, Mick here. Yup, I'm the canine with a candy-cane scarf.

Mum's learned a lot about the challenges autism brings to the holidays.

No matter your celebration (there seems to be at lest one for everyone and more for others) the disruption to the routines, different foods, people interacting and expecting to be interacted with (especially the expectations) whew! the whole tamale can be a real stress without adding in the autism factor.

How exactly does a family factor autism into a happy holiday?

Plan for it of course!

This was the subject of a recent autism support group meeting that Mum went to.

There were all types of suggestions and confessions from families. (They laugh a lot at those meetings and Mum always comes in renewed but that's a different story - check out a meeting sometime if you get the chance, discovering other families and hearing other autism stories really renews the spirit).

Here's what Mum got out of the meeting:

The real success or distress of the holiday season seems to come down to the expectations of everyone involved.

What do you expect the holidays to be?

Remember, if you're looking for trouble its already upon you. If you're stressed out - those wonders on the autism spectrum have a way of picking up on that and returning it ten fold (at the least)!

Be the canine of peace!

According to Mum, those families who have altered their celebration style so that it embraces their child's autism do more than cope during the holidays, they have found ways to enjoy them.

En-Joy! get it? Flow into Joy!

They have created Happy Holidays!

What does that mean?

They have modified their expectations without compromising their beliefs in family and Love.

Here’re some tips to get you thinking about your family dynamics:

* Don't try to do everything; instead, pick and choose the activities based upon your past experiences or "gut" feelings - Doing less creates more for all

* Do not attempt to take your daughter with autism to her sister's choir performance if she can not handle the sound of a group singing, sitting on bleachers or other environmental factors or if choirs just freak her out

* Do not force your son with autism to wear the clothes Grandmother brought for him if he truly can't stand the fiber they're made from

* Now is not the time to begin one of those diets that restrict sugar or flour if you are planning to to go to 9 parties this season (have a plan if you are already on one of those diets if you do go to holiday parties and don't expect the host or hostess to know or meet your needs!)

* Do practice manners and personal hygiene - as a family

* Do what makes you feel good about your family – celebrate with joy!

* Do give yourself permission to pick and choose your family's activities - without any guilt

* Do keep your expectations realistic and fun for everyone - remember its a Happy Holiday!

I don't know why but the humans can really let their expectations muck up an otherwise fun event or season – be Joyful, be fun, be Happy, be about the Love of the season.

Staying home and baking doggy biscuits (or cookies) with the whole family works for a very happy holiday memory!

Peace on and blessings for a safe and Happy Holiday Season.

Choice of Thanksgiving

Yo. Mick here, the cute one with the ball in my mouth!

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for Autism.

Here’s what I mean… Did you eat enough for 2 or more? I sure hope so because I got zipo – nadda – nadda darn bite.

I hounded and hounded (of course puns are intended – why waste them?) the cooks in the kitchen but they were stingy with the treats.

I was as snoopy as possible but we were at my Uncle’s and Aunt’s home and I’m not allowed into the kitchen (don’t look I’m seriously showing my puppy dog face – which I did most of yesterday to no avail!).

Turkey!

With all of the trimmings and not the first nibble!

If I’d been in my own home I’d have had the works except pumpkin pie; it gives me gas.

Mum was busy washing dishes, cooking, talking to my sister on the computer and hanging with the family. To say she was distracted is an understatement.

And she’s back! Mum took one look at my long face this morning and fixed me up a wonderful helping. I was drooling before she even set the dish down. I think it tasted even better than it must have yesterday!

I can’t be upset with being at my cousins’ home though, even if I am treated as less than the family member I am; I get to play with other canines!

My aunt brings Lucky, a Great Dane. Next-door is Foster, one of my Australian Shepard friends. All 3 of us with another carload of cousins and parents went to the park to play Soccer and chase balls.

Life just doesn’t get much better than that.

So even though the turkey and trimmings were slow to arrive, I have plenty to be thankful for. Life’s full of choices and being thankful is just a matter of choice, even without all the trimmings.

What does Thanksgiving have to do with Autism or vise versa?

Focus.

We can focus on the challenges of autism or we can focus on the gifts of autism.

We have the choice of what to be thankful for.

I could have focused on the lack of Thanksgiving treats in my dish but where’s the fun in that?

Choosing to focus on the joy of family gives me so much more happiness. Likewise, focusing on the gifts of autism brings all of us so much more of everything good.

Mum’s a much more patient person than she once was and I am a much happier canine because autism and my boy give me purpose. My boy loves me in a unique way that wouldn’t be the same without autism. I am unique and constantly growing in ways I never would have if autism were not a part of my life.

My boy, Red is growing as a person with autism.

People and canines alike are influenced with Red’s autism. And there are close to 1:100 boys with autism! That’s huge! Autism is ginormous!

Yes, there are challenges that we all perceive with autism that are very real and yes, life would be simpler (maybe) without autism, but would we be any happier? Would we be the same soul without autism in our lives?

Red was goalie in the soccer game with no final score on Thanksgiving Day. We were surrounded with family and love. Autism was there too but instead of taking away from the experience, autism contributed to it. Autism helped us all grow.

What we focus on is a choice.

We can focus on missing the family who were at other places or who have moved away from our table or we can enjoy the ones we’re with (There’s a song there somewhere). Autism can be a banquet with rich trimmings or it can be worse than no leftovers or nibbles.

The choices are ours.

Autism Unemployment Statistic

Scary Autism Unemployment Statistic

Yo. Mick here. I'm the handsome canine in the backseat.

Mum went to an autism conference this past week as her school site representative and one night as a family member. Both lectures were sponsored by SELPA and both had the same presenter, Barbara Bloomfield.

Mum says Barbra Bloomfield is an excellent speaker and would go to see her again and recommends her to others. Barbara has some really helpful suggestions and ideas. There was however one tiny statistic that has Mum really upset.

“The unemployment rate for people with autism is 75% – 97% with the people on the higher end of ASD being the most unemployed”.

Oh my! That's my boy they're lumping into those numbers!

More bad news, of those employed, people with autism are the most under employed as a group. Meaning they earn and work in jobs far below their job skill levels.

I shudder and shake worse than a case of fleas over the terrors of our kids with autism.

I am horrified by the possibility my boy will become an unemployment statistic or find work that doesn’t showcase his abilities.

But I know Mum and she wont let that happen!

So here’s Mum to tell us some more about autism and unemployment based on what she learned. I'm gonna hang in the backseat for this one.

Hey all. Mum Irene here.

What do you think are the employment breaking issues employers give about employees with autism?

• The ability to work independently
• Social Communication
• Planning and organizing skills
• Daily living skills – particularly in the areas of hygiene, grooming, and dress
(The bullets taken directly from the notes of Barbara Bloomfield)

Bloomfield asks the question, “When do we begin to teach to these issues”?

The answer is of course, As soon as possible! ASAP! NOW!

I know!

You feel like another huge burden has just been dropped on your already rocky plate.

I know that feeling very well myself. Take a breath and let’s look at the new scary mess that’s just landed. Plop. Breath out!

Take another breath in - - - - - and out.

Now breath normal (grin).

Absolutely none of these issues are new – they’re already on our plates, they’ve just surfaced to the top as a new way to consider the importance of why we do what we do.

Are you breathing again?

Consider these issues to help focus your efforts on a clear outcome (that being your son or daughter gainfully employed in work that uses their highest skills and has meaning for them).

OK. That’s all well and good but am I doing what I can for my child? Is what I’m doing effective?

I’m sure you are doing what you can and we’ll review some of these things in the next several postings.

As you have learned by now, autism in the family requires a lot of blind faith. Hold your faith and you and your child will be just fine. Know this too.

You are capable.

We know what our children need (their strengths and deficiencies) and we know their learning styles and motivators – this information is a huge plus.

You are the expert of your child; as Dr. Attwood has said in lecture, “You have a PhD in your son or daughter”. (if you don't know Dr. Attwood he's awesome with asperger and high-functioning autism people)

Embrace your expertise and faith; these will serve you and your family well with the autism experience. Keep your sights on the goal, focus on the joyous aspects of autism and the rewards along the journey.