The holiday get-together with autism is a matter of choicesYo! Yo! Yo! Mick the cutie canine in the elf scarf.
It’s the holiday season and you have some celebration options. I went over some in the previous post and one is to choose to not go to an event or get-together. A perfectly valid option…
Sure, by not planning on going to that annual family meal you may upset your sister who is always trying to create a perfection by encouraging her kids to play nicely with your son with autism.
She really tries and in her heart she prays daily for you and your family.
But guess what, your son probably finds more happiness lining up their Hot Wheel cars or markers quietly in a closet and really is overly anxious when all three of the kids try to engage him in an activity.
Add in a few supportive adults and wowzie!
She just doesn’t “get it”. “it” being life with autism.
If you need to, tell your family that you know they love and care for you and you feel the same but sorry, "No can do". Offer an alternative if you feel so inspired but do not feel like it has to be during the holidays.
But hey, I understand. My family does a lot with family during the holidays and well, there are a lot of expectations from all over (and a lot of support and understanding). If you feel the need and really want to get together at your sister's or wherever with family or friends have a few exit strategies.
A Few?
Yes!
You gotta leave sometime, right? Have some plans.
When’s the best time to leave?
Best case, winner-winner chicken dinner, leave on a happy note!
Maybe this is the year you come in say hello to everyone, give a reward to the youngster with autism for being so well behaved and a reward to the other kids for being so wonderful and you don't even take your coats off.
You just get right back into the car. (Mum explains this is like part of an ABA plan where you start small and build on success with the plan to eventually have a full day or weekend.)
Maybe your expectations are a bit beyond that. OK. When do you plan on leaving?
Mum says to really put some thought into the exit plans. You may be disappointed, you may disappoint others, but over-staying will likely disappoint everyone.
Prior to the get-together, try to have at least one person who can have your back if you need to leave unexpectedly. This person can offer apologies and smooth the way as you leave or after you leave if they stay behind.
Letting the host or hostess know ahead that you will stay as long as you can but that you may need to leave early is also an appropriate thing to do.
Use your own judgment, but you don’t need to “blame autism”, you may just want to say, “Sorry, time for us to go”. Period. Friends and family know and love you, and anyone else, well, their loss. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?
Think about your child; then make a plan. Maybe you take it step-by-step; you want to stay as log as possible (for whom?).
You make it this far and all is going well (as in a 10 on a scale of 1-10 perfect) Good, as soon as things hit a 9 consider your exit plan because you want to be able to leave on a happy note if at all possible.
Why leave on a happy note?
Mum says this is so you can reinforce the good without drawing attention to what you don't want to – for the Good of everyone.
Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather hear, “Gee, do you have to leave, JR was is behaving so well?”
Choose success!
And what about the drive home?
Mum really praises Red for all the positive things she can.
So she’ll be saying things like, “I really like the way you chewed with your mouth closed”, or, “I really like the way you shared your new ball”, or “I know you wanted to hit your cousin when she took your car but you didn't - whoohoo!", or “Way to go! You left the table to have some quiet time while everyone else was finishing their desert – good strategy!”
(and that really is a good idea – kids with autism need some quiet time to decompress or regroup for the next set of demands, leaving the table early tends to work well for Red).
If things have gone from a 10 to a 1 (and you know from experience they can – just that quick) there may be no way to leave on a happy note.
You'll need a strategy for leaving on an unhappy note too.
I know, that flies in the face of our general family trait of optimism but Mum says she’d rather have a plan and not need it than need it and not have it.
Back-up plans are common sense not the primary focus. Focus on the desired outcome and you wont need your backup plan (probably).
So, if you do have to leave unexpectedly –
Well, try to still focus on the good parts and if you can’t find a good thing about the whole sorry time (sniff) then put on your happy face and look for something else where you and the family can enjoy the love of one another.
Maybe look at the lights on the way home, stop for some hot cocoa or make some when you get home. Drive around if it helps you and everyone to relax and maybe don't go home until you've found a happy place or something positive to talk about.
If you look for it peace and joy can be found and there is nothing better than a later giggle over the shocked faces of others – but it may take some time before you’re ready to laugh.
There is no point in berating a child for bad behavior outside of there control but another time, perhaps you can practice better choices.
Perhaps the first better choice can be yours – whenever possible, set your child up for success.
Success builds success.
Goodness knows, Mum’s apologized to Red for taking him somewhere he wasn’t able to cope or for as long as she’d hoped. She tends to beat herself up for these mistakes but she shouldn’t she’s human – not canine
Live, Learn, Laugh and Love – That’s the canine way!
Yo! Yo! Yo! And a Happy Holiday Season to all!
