Review Your Rules

Yo! Mick here, the one with pointy ears and canine grin!

Thank you well wishers!

I am feeling better and Red’s (aham) out of the doghouse (sorry – I know that was a cheap shot but hey – pull my paw if you don’t like it).

Red earned back half of his two-week sentence by being a good sport and behaving himself while grounded. Go figure – he choose to have the weekends for his reprieve and being grounded on school days!

Red is one smart kid!

I’m sure not going to complain about it because I had a lot of time with him. Without the distractions of TV or games, Red took me on several walks a day.

While I’m not advocating that he get into trouble again – I sure had a good week and then some! Many of those good habits have stuck with him.

I believe habits, daily rituals and those autism rules can be a really good thing or a really bad thing.

I was woofing it up with another acquaintance with autism this week who was not having such a good time. It seems some of his “rules” were not serving his greater good and were actually keeping him from making and keeping friends.


Kids with autism often have a lot of rules.

I’ve cautioned Red before (and will probably have to many more times) about rules – Rules have got to serve you not the other way around.

This poor kid had himself backed into a very lonely corner because one of his rules is, “if someone is mean to me I have to be mean to them back”.

Well, you can just imagine what THAT rule does for his social life!

Sadly, it was his self-esteem and self-loathing that had him so far down in the dumps. Any lower and his ears would drag more than Betty Basset’s.

He’s not a cruel person in his heart - its just his autism rules that drive his choices in behavior that make him appear mean or just plain too scary to hang with.

He and I spoke for quite some time about autism and my number one rule but I’m not sure I could help him.

He’s still rather attached to that rule even knowing that it ultimately doesn’t serve him. Maybe he just needs time to process the possibilities my number one rule has.

My number one rule is quite simple – Here’s my number one, most important rule: I only have rules that serve me and help me grow as a loving soul.

OK – Mum says its bedtime – woof out mates!

Autism Style and What is Normal

Yo! Mick here, the cutie with the canine grin with yellow coat and a hat.

One of the things I’ve had to adjust to about autism is that what I experience as “normal” might not be for the majority of others.

For example, I had no idea that most dogs are not put into hats and other clothing. Red’s been dressing me up since I can remember. I mean look around; as you shop you’ll notice that there are more and more stores catering to well-dressed canines.

Interesting isn’t it?

I wonder if this has anything to do with the increase in autism diagnosis over the past decade or so? Is everyone who dresses his or her dog on the autism spectrum?

Doubtful.

Here’s the thing, Red’s not different to me.

He’s not broken; he’s my best friend and brother. Red is perfect to me. He loves me and that is our “normal” and good enough for me.

My perspective sometimes makes it difficult to understand what all the fuss over autism is about.

If we could all practice better tolerance of diversity and taking the perspective of others I don’t know if we’d really need to term autism.

Sure, Mum’s explained that many with autism are not like Red, or have the same abilities.

I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. Autism is just another way to experience the world, and everyone experiences the world in his or her own perspective even when trying to take another’s perspective.

Got it?

Try this; dress your dog, and go for a walk.

Go on. Put your favorite canine in clothes. Make sure to include a hat. Sometimes a hat is a nuisance but I think hats really make the outfit. Some people even like to have a matching outfit. I’m waggy with that.

Now get out there and walk.

You wont have a problem unless someone gets in your face declaring that dressing dogs isn’t normal. Yet clearly for a great many, dressing up their pup is very normal; canine couture is rabid.

See what I mean?

Normal is a matter of perspective.

Autism is normal for me, but I’m trying to understand how it might not be for others. Really, I do try to understand autism from a normal perspective.

I think what confuses me the most is this:

Who decides what normal is?

Autism Holiday get-together - A matter of choices

The holiday get-together with autism is a matter of choices

Yo! Yo! Yo! Mick the cutie canine in the elf scarf.

It’s the holiday season and you have some celebration options. I went over some in the previous post and one is to choose to not go to an event or get-together. A perfectly valid option…

Sure, by not planning on going to that annual family meal you may upset your sister who is always trying to create a perfection by encouraging her kids to play nicely with your son with autism.

She really tries and in her heart she prays daily for you and your family.

But guess what, your son probably finds more happiness lining up their Hot Wheel cars or markers quietly in a closet and really is overly anxious when all three of the kids try to engage him in an activity.

Add in a few supportive adults and wowzie!

She just doesn’t “get it”. “it” being life with autism.

If you need to, tell your family that you know they love and care for you and you feel the same but sorry, "No can do". Offer an alternative if you feel so inspired but do not feel like it has to be during the holidays.

But hey, I understand. My family does a lot with family during the holidays and well, there are a lot of expectations from all over (and a lot of support and understanding). If you feel the need and really want to get together at your sister's or wherever with family or friends have a few exit strategies.

A Few?

Yes!

You gotta leave sometime, right? Have some plans.

When’s the best time to leave?

Best case, winner-winner chicken dinner, leave on a happy note!

Maybe this is the year you come in say hello to everyone, give a reward to the youngster with autism for being so well behaved and a reward to the other kids for being so wonderful and you don't even take your coats off.

You just get right back into the car. (Mum explains this is like part of an ABA plan where you start small and build on success with the plan to eventually have a full day or weekend.)

Maybe your expectations are a bit beyond that. OK. When do you plan on leaving?

Mum says to really put some thought into the exit plans. You may be disappointed, you may disappoint others, but over-staying will likely disappoint everyone.

Prior to the get-together, try to have at least one person who can have your back if you need to leave unexpectedly. This person can offer apologies and smooth the way as you leave or after you leave if they stay behind.

Letting the host or hostess know ahead that you will stay as long as you can but that you may need to leave early is also an appropriate thing to do.

Use your own judgment, but you don’t need to “blame autism”, you may just want to say, “Sorry, time for us to go”. Period. Friends and family know and love you, and anyone else, well, their loss. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Think about your child; then make a plan. Maybe you take it step-by-step; you want to stay as log as possible (for whom?).

You make it this far and all is going well (as in a 10 on a scale of 1-10 perfect) Good, as soon as things hit a 9 consider your exit plan because you want to be able to leave on a happy note if at all possible.

Why leave on a happy note?

Mum says this is so you can reinforce the good without drawing attention to what you don't want to – for the Good of everyone.

Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather hear, “Gee, do you have to leave, JR was is behaving so well?”

Choose success!

And what about the drive home?

Mum really praises Red for all the positive things she can.

So she’ll be saying things like, “I really like the way you chewed with your mouth closed”, or, “I really like the way you shared your new ball”, or “I know you wanted to hit your cousin when she took your car but you didn't - whoohoo!", or “Way to go! You left the table to have some quiet time while everyone else was finishing their desert – good strategy!”

(and that really is a good idea – kids with autism need some quiet time to decompress or regroup for the next set of demands, leaving the table early tends to work well for Red).

If things have gone from a 10 to a 1 (and you know from experience they can – just that quick) there may be no way to leave on a happy note.

You'll need a strategy for leaving on an unhappy note too.

I know, that flies in the face of our general family trait of optimism but Mum says she’d rather have a plan and not need it than need it and not have it.

Back-up plans are common sense not the primary focus. Focus on the desired outcome and you wont need your backup plan (probably).

So, if you do have to leave unexpectedly –

Well, try to still focus on the good parts and if you can’t find a good thing about the whole sorry time (sniff) then put on your happy face and look for something else where you and the family can enjoy the love of one another.

Maybe look at the lights on the way home, stop for some hot cocoa or make some when you get home. Drive around if it helps you and everyone to relax and maybe don't go home until you've found a happy place or something positive to talk about.

If you look for it peace and joy can be found and there is nothing better than a later giggle over the shocked faces of others – but it may take some time before you’re ready to laugh.

There is no point in berating a child for bad behavior outside of there control but another time, perhaps you can practice better choices.

Perhaps the first better choice can be yours – whenever possible, set your child up for success.

Success builds success.

Goodness knows, Mum’s apologized to Red for taking him somewhere he wasn’t able to cope or for as long as she’d hoped. She tends to beat herself up for these mistakes but she shouldn’t she’s human – not canine

Live, Learn, Laugh and Love – That’s the canine way!

Yo! Yo! Yo! And a Happy Holiday Season to all!

Choice of Thanksgiving

Yo. Mick here, the cute one with the ball in my mouth!

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for Autism.

Here’s what I mean… Did you eat enough for 2 or more? I sure hope so because I got zipo – nadda – nadda darn bite.

I hounded and hounded (of course puns are intended – why waste them?) the cooks in the kitchen but they were stingy with the treats.

I was as snoopy as possible but we were at my Uncle’s and Aunt’s home and I’m not allowed into the kitchen (don’t look I’m seriously showing my puppy dog face – which I did most of yesterday to no avail!).

Turkey!

With all of the trimmings and not the first nibble!

If I’d been in my own home I’d have had the works except pumpkin pie; it gives me gas.

Mum was busy washing dishes, cooking, talking to my sister on the computer and hanging with the family. To say she was distracted is an understatement.

And she’s back! Mum took one look at my long face this morning and fixed me up a wonderful helping. I was drooling before she even set the dish down. I think it tasted even better than it must have yesterday!

I can’t be upset with being at my cousins’ home though, even if I am treated as less than the family member I am; I get to play with other canines!

My aunt brings Lucky, a Great Dane. Next-door is Foster, one of my Australian Shepard friends. All 3 of us with another carload of cousins and parents went to the park to play Soccer and chase balls.

Life just doesn’t get much better than that.

So even though the turkey and trimmings were slow to arrive, I have plenty to be thankful for. Life’s full of choices and being thankful is just a matter of choice, even without all the trimmings.

What does Thanksgiving have to do with Autism or vise versa?

Focus.

We can focus on the challenges of autism or we can focus on the gifts of autism.

We have the choice of what to be thankful for.

I could have focused on the lack of Thanksgiving treats in my dish but where’s the fun in that?

Choosing to focus on the joy of family gives me so much more happiness. Likewise, focusing on the gifts of autism brings all of us so much more of everything good.

Mum’s a much more patient person than she once was and I am a much happier canine because autism and my boy give me purpose. My boy loves me in a unique way that wouldn’t be the same without autism. I am unique and constantly growing in ways I never would have if autism were not a part of my life.

My boy, Red is growing as a person with autism.

People and canines alike are influenced with Red’s autism. And there are close to 1:100 boys with autism! That’s huge! Autism is ginormous!

Yes, there are challenges that we all perceive with autism that are very real and yes, life would be simpler (maybe) without autism, but would we be any happier? Would we be the same soul without autism in our lives?

Red was goalie in the soccer game with no final score on Thanksgiving Day. We were surrounded with family and love. Autism was there too but instead of taking away from the experience, autism contributed to it. Autism helped us all grow.

What we focus on is a choice.

We can focus on missing the family who were at other places or who have moved away from our table or we can enjoy the ones we’re with (There’s a song there somewhere). Autism can be a banquet with rich trimmings or it can be worse than no leftovers or nibbles.

The choices are ours.

Band Camp Blues

Hey, Mick here. You know, Red's tail waggin', wet-nosed four legged brother?

Red began band camp this week (this is Red from last year). I'm trying to be happy for him (but he looks about how I feel). I mean, he's off meeting new High School buddies, getting to march and play his baritone and band is way cool but I'm mostly stuck at home by myself.

Mum's real happy about the band camp too. Band kids are generally good kids and it is important for Red to have some solid friendships because there are a lot of people who go to Red's school and some of them are pretty tough.

Band kids tend to stick together, eating and hanging out during lunch and breaks. The friends that Red is making this week and next before school starts up will really be helpful, so don't mind my sulkiness. I just feel like a lost puppy when my boy's gone.

Red does this incredible thing though. He takes me along in his imagination. I play the french horn and get to march and so much more. I'm playing first chair and I'm squad leader. My friend Louie also plays.

Red had a really awesome week! He met up with some of his band friends from Junior High and his mentor from HS has introduced him to more new friends. Every day he'd come home full of these great stories about his new experiences.

I believe this is going to be a really powerful year for Red, he's off to a great beginning.

I also know where I stand. Rather than going to the pizza and pool party on Friday, Red chose to come home so we could have some down time - just the two of us. We both needed to unwind and just be.