Autism Crush – Part 1

Autism Crush – Part 1

Yo! Mick here (pictured at the top of this blog with my boy). I'm a very handsome red-headed Queensland Heeler - a Canine if you will, and I'm here to tell you adventures about raising my brother, Red. Red lives with autism...

Red was in band camp again for the 2 weeks before school started. Red loves it! Last year he met a former student who assisted the freshman with getting their marching feet. Although he didn’t know it, Red developed a crush on her.

And I must say, she is a really great person – inside and out. She’s also a great musician and marcher and...

Well, I can totally understand why Red likes her.

Sadly, she eventually had to go off to college last year but because she has a brother still in school, she made trips back as frequently as possible. Red would just glow in happiness whenever she came around.

When there was a band event, Red would perk up a bit, pay extra attention to dressing up and the details of getting his hair just right on the off chance the object of his attention would make an appearance. He really tried hard to impress her. Even Red’s college choices seemed based upon being near her. He, of course, wanted to attend the same college!

Mum and his teachers at school would sometimes use Red’s interest as a carrot saying things like, “you know, to get into college you have to do your homework”, or whatever.

This graduated band member has been a great motivator. Kids with autism tend to need great motivators and teachers and mums know how to get creative in using them.

All during band camp this summer Red went in the hopes of seeing her. And when she came, Red lit up like a pup with a mouth full of double cheeseburger with bacon.

On the very last day of camp the band kids perform what they have learned for their parents. This is followed by an invitation for the family members to join the students on the field and to keep up with them as they march (without the instruments for safety reasons).

Let me tell you, it’s a lot harder than it looks!!!

Red was so busy keeping his eyes on the object of his crush he just about pulled Mum into the tubas.

The moment the music ended he was off to hook up with her and sit at the same table. He even ate pizza to impress her and Red does not eat pizza typically (except at his dad’s but that’s a different story)

(To be continued in The Crush Part 2)

Back-to-School with Autism - Doggy Style

Yo, Mick here – the canine with the new hat, pointy ears and wet nose.

It’s been an insannnne summer at our home – and classes have resumed. (Bummer that)

The best part of summer is getting my boy back! I think Red missed me as much as I missed him

Red’s been taking me for walks, tossing the ball for me, and letting me sleep on his pillow. I do like sleeping on the pillow.

Summer went by very fast! Next thing I knew we’d transitioned to school already! But we’ve about got the hang of it…

The Transition from summer to fall can be huge for kids on the spectrum and are often causes for concern (can you say anxiety?) for the parents of kids with autism – often even more anxiety for the parents than the child.

There are probably hundreds of things to worry about in the transition back to school.

Try this - don't worry!
Find your inner-canine.

I mean think about it for a moment.

Did the things you actually worried about happen?
Sure, some things did while others did not – right?
But what exactly did worrying about them do to help the situation?

Believe me, I totally get that double transitions such as a new school, or district, or promotion from elementary to junior high, or from junior high to high school are huge.

I hear you – canine ears are sharp.

All I’m really saying is that worrying won’t help and takes way too much energy. Conserve your efforts to what works. Lock in those transitions that help.

For example, Red likes to get ready for going back to school by shopping for clothes, shoes, new backpack and supplies. These things mean that school is about to begin for Red. He’s a part of the transition process and gets to make some important choices (mum does guide him sometimes with “either – or” options). It’s a back-to-school ritual.

Rituals offer continuity and comfort.

It’s not too early to start using them and its not too late either.

Shop for school supplies (online if its too much to go out into the crowds) together.

Shopping is a natural opportunity to talk about the upcoming transition.

LOL – this may appear to be rather one-sided conversations but that’s ok too. It is what it is. The point is to keep the channels of communication open – you have no idea what is actually seeping through. Likely, a lot more than appears to be!

In these conversations, focus on what works, the students’ strengths, and resilience, and past transition successes (even seemingly insignificant transitions
Such as getting out of bed in the morning are places to build new successes on).

Remember there is a lot of comfort in the rituals of being in school versus the often, unpredictable schedules and social events of summer. Focus on the positives.

Play up the positives, build upon the positives, talk about the positives and act on the positives and you’ll find you wont have a lot of time to worry.

You’ll have found your inner-canine.

There will likely be a need for adjustments in the transition to back-to-school, but by establishing a habit of focusing on the positives, positive solutions will likely happen.

Peace out – peace in. Peace in Transition.

Mick Knows Autism - just ask!

Yo Mick here, the canine with style!

I’m getting all dressed up to go p-a-r-t-y!!!

Mum just finished her Master’s in Special Education and we are headed out to celebrate! She’s worked her butt off, especially in the past month to complete the degree. She was up before dawn, and in bed long after Red’s and my bedtime.

I never had a chance to get online.

But I’m back!

And I know how to have fun with autism!

So hang tight, gather up your questions and fire um off this way. I’m going to tell you ever so much more about the adventures of Red, Me (Mick) and Autism and answering questions. If you have some suggestions and stories or input, by all means, pass it along – I’d love to hear from you!

My mission besides being Red’s best companion is to help others find their way and discovering the potential fun in autism. Autism does present challenges, but what doesn't? Fun with Autism is a mind-set that’s truly attainable.

Peace out, friends of autism,
Mick

Our Pre-Christmas Stress with Autism

Pre-Christmas Stress followed with Family Fun

Yo! Mick here! Have slurp will share!

My advice at Christmas and pretty much all the time is; spare the stress and pass the slurp.

I spoke last about avoiding family and other events that don’t josh with the autism in the family but I forget that some family just can’t be put on ignore – such as the co-creator, sometimes called, the ex. In our case, that would be Red’s dad.

Let me back track a bit … I’ll need to explain the basics of the family dynamics, the surface problem and then the real crux of the problem – the deep wounds and then the getting to Christmas Family Fun – Its one heck of a journey.

Some family history.

My family, like 80% of families with autism, was divorced before I joined them.

They are scattered geographically from one end of the country to the other and in-between.

Mum, Red and I live in California, and most of Mum’s family lives here too except a sister who lives in Colorado with her hubby and kids.

Red’s dad lives in Georgia and Kasmira, his sister lives at college in Florida. Red’s other grandparents live in Illinois, he has uncles and cousins in Iowa, Illinois and a cousin in Utah and well, Red's family is all over!

Mum living on one end of the country and Red’s dad on the other mostly works for them, at least it does for Mum.

Mum needs her family, friends and ocean - it is a part of her soul and to be away from them for extended times is really hard on her – especially when life is especially challenging her.

The Surface Stress – or Our Pre-Christmas Stress
You can’t always avoid stress and especially certain family members like the ex you share children with – or their parents.

Prior to Thanksgiving, at the beginning of November. Red’s grandmum on his dad’s side (I don't claim any of Red's paternal family as mine, not even his dad) called up and started trying to get Red to go to their home for Christmas.

I sure didn’t need my exceptional hearing to listen in; the woman has a schoolyard voice.

Anyway, she was pretty persistent and even told Red about all the different cousins and uncles who would be there, the fun things they had planned and that she wouldn't make him eat stuff he doesn't like.

Wow, she spread it on thick!

Red didn’t go for it though.

He was at his dad’s home last year so he logically figured he'd be with Mum and me this year and his sister would fly here for Christmas.

Apparently the grandmum also called Kasmira with the same plea because Red's sister opted to go from college in Florida to their dad’s in Georgia and then up to their grandparents’ home in Illinois for Christmas.

Mum was totally bummed but being so busy with college and work and not wanting to stress Kasmira who was shedding a few tears trying to please everyone, she chose to not fight it and even decided to encourage Red to go to the grandparents.

Kids should be together at Christmas, Mum believes.

Mum honestly did try to make it happen that way.

First she told Red she wasn't sure where he'd be this year for Christmas and that he may be going to see his grandparents in Illinois.

She then emailed Red’s dad telling him she’d “back him” if he’d make the arrangements for Red to fly and to tell him. She also mentioned in her email that his mum was a bit persistent but no more so than her own mom, Baba, could be.

Mum understood that his parents are getting older and there are some health concerns etc. - she got it.

Well, a couple of weeks go by with Red acting out at school and home; not at all happy about the situation and then Mum gets a call from Mike, (Red’s dad).

Here’s Mum’s version of the conversation:

Mum: I’m shopping, Red’s at home if you want to call him there.

Red’s Dad: I know, I just spoke with him.

Mum: Well, OK. What did you tell him? what are the travel dates?

Red’s Dad: I told him he didn’t have to come out for Christmas but that I hoped he’d make the right decision.

Mum: You said what?

Red’s Dad: Sorry it took me so long to get back with you, but what you said about my mom really upset me…

And then he proceeded to blast Mum for saying his mom had tried to guilt the kids.

So Mum told him she was hanging up because he was out of control and yelling. He called back, so she let it go to voice mail and then deleted it without even listening to the message.

The conversation and his blasting her upset Mum but what riled her most was what he’d said to Red, “You don’t have to come but I hope you make the right decision”.

Red is 15!

He doesn’t like change, doesn’t want to go anywhere because it disrupts his routines and he can't take me - and his dad had just told him he didn’t have to!

Here's what happened on my end:

You should have seed Red when he got off the phone with his dad.

Red was ecstatic! Like Christmas morning had arrived early for him!

He didn’t have to go to Georgia or Illinois or leave me behind, what’s not to like about that?

He was one joyful kid! I wish you could have seen his expression when he heard he didn’t have to go away for Christmas!

He gave me a big ol’ hug and I slurped his face and brought him my ball to share how glad I was and bow-wowzie! You should have seen how happy we were!

No worries here – none for Red or me anyway…

All sorts of old hurts came to the surface for Mum - again and it was nothing to do with Red's dad blasting her! That was more like a scab being ripped off to a much deeper hurt that seemed to keep getting deeper once removed.

The implications! (the wound suddenly looks more serious)

Here's what Mum explained.

What does “I hope you make the right decision” mean to a 15 year - old especially one with autism?

Red probably never even heard that part! He probably didn’t hear anything beyond, “You don’t have to come to here” because those were the words he was looking for.

Mum feels Red's dad should have known that! And would have IF he understood autism like a man who has a son on the spectrum should.

Red’s dad expected Red to “decide” to have Christmas with him and his family all on his own.

Anyone with any type of understanding about kids knows that’s asking too much.

Throw in the autism factor and it was totally unfair of Red’s dad to expect Red to choose something that requires him to leave me and Mum and normal routines for the unknown, his noisy cousins, a grandmother who makes him eat “weird things” like casseroles, and all the different rules his dad has for him.

That’s the deeper part of the wound –

Mom's really hurt because Red's dad has never tried to understand Red and his version of autism.

Mum claims that Red’s dad never even researched autism online in spite of spending hundreds of hours on the computer playing games and messing around and her sending links, books and reports about autism.

This is according to Mum. And I believe her based on what I’ve seen and heard!

Take the whole Christmas fiasco - Red's dad doesn't get him or autism if he expected Red to "decide"; he should have spelled out exactly what would be happening on Christmas.

Mum says that like so many other divorces within the autism community Red’s dad didn’t want to understand autism – that he just couldn’t face it for any number of reasons.

Mum also says that Red's dad has even blamed her for Red’s behaviors – as in he feels she raised Red into a boy with autism behaviors because she "coddles" him and gives in to him too much.

That’s not unusual either. I remembered that part form a TV show. You should have seen Mum crying when Jenny McCarthy said the same thing on Oprah. I slurped her hand through the whole show.

Just think about it for a moment – 80% of families with autism go through divorce!

Mum and Red’s dad are caught up in a vicious cycle.

Red's dad blames Mum for moving Red so far away claiming there's no way he can get to know Red by only getting to see him so briefly periodically.

Mum said she had to return home to California, that she needed the support of family and friends and beach to heal herself from years of neglect and unhappiness in order to raise Red.

Then she throws it back at him stating that he never tried before the divorce to understand Red or autism anyway.

Red’s dad keeps blaming Mum for moving away and she keeps telling him he didn’t help with understanding autism, learning to work together to help Red and that he’s in denial about Red’s autism - still.

She says she couldn't raise Red on her own and had to go back to California.

Blah, blah, blah. It's enough to make a tail and ears droopy.

When they get like that, they are just not nice.

It’s a vicious cycle and doesn’t solve anything, help the one with autism or accomplish anything productive. They just tear each other down and waste energy that could be better spent.

Sigh - the whole thing between them is a mess because they can't agree on autism which is only one of several reasons why they are divorced.

Opposite sides of the country works best for them - and us.

Lets get back to Pre-Christmas and Christmas… (can't be droopy forever ya know!)

Mum didn’t tell Red he didn’t have to go to his Dad’s.

She waited and gave Red’s dad until the end of Thanksgiving weekend (close to 2 weeks) to tell Red that he would be going to his grandparents’ home for Christmas.

When Red's dad didn’t call or write, Mum asked her family while they were all at our Uncle's home in Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving, whose home we were celebrating Christmas at this year?

Everyone voted for our home because it’s in the middle!

Red was happy, Mum was even more busy and very pleased too!

She loves having the family over and there is no better antidote to old hurts than staying busy.

Mum was finishing up her first leg of student teaching, preparing for the second and then there was the whole home clean up thing!

There was a lot to do to prepare for Christmas!

Mum tends to take on too much, forgetting her own ADHD and needs. She also hates to vacuum!

(Read – the housecleaning had been neglected for awhile and there was A LOT to clean and do to prepare for Christmas here)

Thank goodness, everyone in Mum's family gets the autism thing. We do not have to stress that!

We had a wonderful Christmas here with family – which is even better than being busy for helping Mum feel better.

I hope to share some more about our Christmas vacation soon - we've really had a slurpy wagwagerful vacation but...

Duty calls!
I gotta take Red for a scooter ride on his new Fusion!
Woof -woof!

Autism Holiday get-together - A matter of choices

The holiday get-together with autism is a matter of choices

Yo! Yo! Yo! Mick the cutie canine in the elf scarf.

It’s the holiday season and you have some celebration options. I went over some in the previous post and one is to choose to not go to an event or get-together. A perfectly valid option…

Sure, by not planning on going to that annual family meal you may upset your sister who is always trying to create a perfection by encouraging her kids to play nicely with your son with autism.

She really tries and in her heart she prays daily for you and your family.

But guess what, your son probably finds more happiness lining up their Hot Wheel cars or markers quietly in a closet and really is overly anxious when all three of the kids try to engage him in an activity.

Add in a few supportive adults and wowzie!

She just doesn’t “get it”. “it” being life with autism.

If you need to, tell your family that you know they love and care for you and you feel the same but sorry, "No can do". Offer an alternative if you feel so inspired but do not feel like it has to be during the holidays.

But hey, I understand. My family does a lot with family during the holidays and well, there are a lot of expectations from all over (and a lot of support and understanding). If you feel the need and really want to get together at your sister's or wherever with family or friends have a few exit strategies.

A Few?

Yes!

You gotta leave sometime, right? Have some plans.

When’s the best time to leave?

Best case, winner-winner chicken dinner, leave on a happy note!

Maybe this is the year you come in say hello to everyone, give a reward to the youngster with autism for being so well behaved and a reward to the other kids for being so wonderful and you don't even take your coats off.

You just get right back into the car. (Mum explains this is like part of an ABA plan where you start small and build on success with the plan to eventually have a full day or weekend.)

Maybe your expectations are a bit beyond that. OK. When do you plan on leaving?

Mum says to really put some thought into the exit plans. You may be disappointed, you may disappoint others, but over-staying will likely disappoint everyone.

Prior to the get-together, try to have at least one person who can have your back if you need to leave unexpectedly. This person can offer apologies and smooth the way as you leave or after you leave if they stay behind.

Letting the host or hostess know ahead that you will stay as long as you can but that you may need to leave early is also an appropriate thing to do.

Use your own judgment, but you don’t need to “blame autism”, you may just want to say, “Sorry, time for us to go”. Period. Friends and family know and love you, and anyone else, well, their loss. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Think about your child; then make a plan. Maybe you take it step-by-step; you want to stay as log as possible (for whom?).

You make it this far and all is going well (as in a 10 on a scale of 1-10 perfect) Good, as soon as things hit a 9 consider your exit plan because you want to be able to leave on a happy note if at all possible.

Why leave on a happy note?

Mum says this is so you can reinforce the good without drawing attention to what you don't want to – for the Good of everyone.

Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather hear, “Gee, do you have to leave, JR was is behaving so well?”

Choose success!

And what about the drive home?

Mum really praises Red for all the positive things she can.

So she’ll be saying things like, “I really like the way you chewed with your mouth closed”, or, “I really like the way you shared your new ball”, or “I know you wanted to hit your cousin when she took your car but you didn't - whoohoo!", or “Way to go! You left the table to have some quiet time while everyone else was finishing their desert – good strategy!”

(and that really is a good idea – kids with autism need some quiet time to decompress or regroup for the next set of demands, leaving the table early tends to work well for Red).

If things have gone from a 10 to a 1 (and you know from experience they can – just that quick) there may be no way to leave on a happy note.

You'll need a strategy for leaving on an unhappy note too.

I know, that flies in the face of our general family trait of optimism but Mum says she’d rather have a plan and not need it than need it and not have it.

Back-up plans are common sense not the primary focus. Focus on the desired outcome and you wont need your backup plan (probably).

So, if you do have to leave unexpectedly –

Well, try to still focus on the good parts and if you can’t find a good thing about the whole sorry time (sniff) then put on your happy face and look for something else where you and the family can enjoy the love of one another.

Maybe look at the lights on the way home, stop for some hot cocoa or make some when you get home. Drive around if it helps you and everyone to relax and maybe don't go home until you've found a happy place or something positive to talk about.

If you look for it peace and joy can be found and there is nothing better than a later giggle over the shocked faces of others – but it may take some time before you’re ready to laugh.

There is no point in berating a child for bad behavior outside of there control but another time, perhaps you can practice better choices.

Perhaps the first better choice can be yours – whenever possible, set your child up for success.

Success builds success.

Goodness knows, Mum’s apologized to Red for taking him somewhere he wasn’t able to cope or for as long as she’d hoped. She tends to beat herself up for these mistakes but she shouldn’t she’s human – not canine

Live, Learn, Laugh and Love – That’s the canine way!

Yo! Yo! Yo! And a Happy Holiday Season to all!

Doggy Love

Yo, Mick here, the one with the wet nose and pointy ears.

As a dog brother I am well suited to caring for my boy. The best perks are that I get to experience being in love all the time. I mean it; 24-7, 365 days of the year love.

I don’t mean that I give it and don’t receive it.

Nope.

That’s different. Red and I share total admiration and devotion, love.

I know. There is a large amount of literature about the inability of people with autism to express love and frankly I think that’s total bunk.

I mean just look at my boy! He loves me.

In fact he loves pretty much everyone at a base innocent level.

Those bullies, if they would just apologize, stick out their hand and share a high knuckle-five he’d forgive them in a nana-second and become buddies. I know because I’ve seen Red forgive and forget and embrace new friendships.

I am constantly blown away with Red’s level of compassion. If the rest of the world could practice just half of his ability to love unconditionally we’d live in a truly blessed and beautiful society.

So how was it that Red learned to love?

Mum thinks that I have played a part in the process of teaching Red about unconditional love. While he’s had an ability to demonstrate love for a long time Mum says he’s truly blossomed since I arrived in our home.

It could also be maturity and language acquisition or a combination of numerous things. Or, perhaps it is Red’s destiny.

Whatever it is, I am thankful and so are those who come into contact with Red. He oozes warmth, acceptance and love even when he doesn’t receive these in return.

Red loves as we canines do; unconditionally with total adoration, devotion and blind faith in humanity.

Now if I can just help the rest of humanity learn to love this way... Thank goodness there are a lot of us canine brothers out there!

Band Camp Blues

Hey, Mick here. You know, Red's tail waggin', wet-nosed four legged brother?

Red began band camp this week (this is Red from last year). I'm trying to be happy for him (but he looks about how I feel). I mean, he's off meeting new High School buddies, getting to march and play his baritone and band is way cool but I'm mostly stuck at home by myself.

Mum's real happy about the band camp too. Band kids are generally good kids and it is important for Red to have some solid friendships because there are a lot of people who go to Red's school and some of them are pretty tough.

Band kids tend to stick together, eating and hanging out during lunch and breaks. The friends that Red is making this week and next before school starts up will really be helpful, so don't mind my sulkiness. I just feel like a lost puppy when my boy's gone.

Red does this incredible thing though. He takes me along in his imagination. I play the french horn and get to march and so much more. I'm playing first chair and I'm squad leader. My friend Louie also plays.

Red had a really awesome week! He met up with some of his band friends from Junior High and his mentor from HS has introduced him to more new friends. Every day he'd come home full of these great stories about his new experiences.

I believe this is going to be a really powerful year for Red, he's off to a great beginning.

I also know where I stand. Rather than going to the pizza and pool party on Friday, Red chose to come home so we could have some down time - just the two of us. We both needed to unwind and just be.

A Dog, his Boy, and Autism: an introduction

Yo. Mick here.

The hottie with the blue eyes, fuzzy ears and tongue hanging outa my smile. That's right. I'm the dog-brother.

I want to welcome you to the, Mick and Boy blog, where we share some of the daily aspects of our lives. Primarily it will be Mick, Red, and our mom, Irene, making comments and posts but we may on occasion have guests.

Be sure to check out our primary site, http://mickandboy.googlepages.com/home where we have more information about autism and our stories. We also have a forum, tips and strategies, and resources. This site is mostly just us having some fun and LOL opportunities.

We invite you to share your own stories and comments (with or without autism) with a comment or join our autism forum on our primary site, Mick and Boy.

I am a Queensland Heeler and although I am not officially trained as yet, I am my boy's therapy dog. One day I hope to be officially trained but in the mean time, I'm happy just being Red's best friend in the whole wide world. Check back frequently for photos and fun!

Your pal,

Mick